Can spirituality be sexy?

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I recently came across an article about what makes someone “sexy.”

As you might expect, there wasn’t much depth to the article—it was designed to capture readers with a sensational topic.

But nevertheless, its black-and-white approach got me thinking. What the author said is that men and women are subconsciously drawn to faces and body types that have specific ratios.

Women are supposedly attracted to men with a specific waist to chest ratio, creating the classic “V” torso, eyes that are squinty and just the right distance apart, and taller than they themselves are.

“Attractive” women were required to have strict bust-waist-hip ratios and even arms and legs of a specific length.

For both genders, sexy men and women were also supposed to have perfectly symmetrical facial features. The idea is that humans are unconsciously drawn to potential mates with these measurements and characteristics because they symbolize physical health and fertility. Like all creatures in the animal kingdom, we seek the healthiest mate with which to procreate and pass on our genes. That gives our genetic line the best chance of survival.

This paint-by-numbers approach to relationships made me wonder: Is that all it’s about? Are we all just roaming the earth to find an appropriate mate to pass on our genes like some BBC nature documentary?

I have my doubts. While I don’t deny that our instincts are powerful or that we are, in fact, human animals, we have something no other creature on earth has.

We have self-awareness.

That changes everything.

Soulful Sexiness

Same Difference

The thing that people, and even the “experts” get wrong about relationships is they confuse physical beauty with sexiness.

People tend to assume that if a woman is beautiful—if she has perfectly balanced facial features, full lips, and the right size bust—her phone is ringing off the hook.

It’s not.

In fact, I know several gorgeous women who can’t get a date to save their lives. If physical beauty is what makes someone sexy, these women wouldn’t be sitting home alone on Saturday night.

So what is sexy?

Beauty clearly comes from our genes, but where does sexiness come from? And how can understanding this help you lead a more fulfilling life?

To answer that question, we have to talk about music.

Spiritual Software

It may seem strange, but it’s an experience I had with a particular song that made me consider what sexiness means more closely.

I was listening to the radio several weeks ago and heard a song that I really liked. As usual, the DJ talked over the introduction and didn’t mention the title when it was over. Still, I was able to grab my cell phone and record a few bars before it ended. I wracked my brain for days trying to figure out the title. Finally, I went to my wife for the answer. Since she’s the one with the Ivy League education, she has the answers to practically everything. I’m not embarrassed to admit she’s the brains in our marriage and I’m grateful that she loans them to me from time to time.

“The most important frequency we emit is the one that comes from how we feel about ourselves.”

As I played the recording for her, she took out her phone and hit an app called Shazam. Within seconds it had the answer.

I was thrilled, but also amazed that with just a few musical passages, it had searched millions of tempos, rhythms, titles and composers to come up with the exact answer in a flash.

It was in that moment I was reminded that sexiness isn’t linked to our instinct. It’s connected to our spirit. While textbook beauty might be what catches our eye, what captures our heart goes much deeper.

Are You Feeling It?

Just like my cell phone, the human body is a bioelectrical mechanism that’s always sending out a signal from the thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing. It never stops.

Like a radio antennae, our frequencies or channels change based on what we’re feeling at the time. I’m sure you’ve experienced someone who had a great “vibe” or someone else who gave you the creeps. That was your personal energy frequency either matching or clashing with another person. These frequencies are very real and can be measured.

The most important frequency we emit is the one that comes from how we feel about ourselves.

Do you think you’re sexy?

Do you feel attractive?

Do you just like or love who you are?

Why or why not?

Did an old boyfriend make negative comments about your weight that you’ve never been able to get out of your mind?

Was your sister always the pretty one in the family?

Even subtle assumptions can change how we view ourselves. Why is that important? It’s because how we view ourselves is how others view us.

Soulful Sexiness

We have the ability to change how others feel about and react to us based on what we’re projecting.

While physical beauty may turn heads and even spark the mating dance, sexiness is what brings people together in a lasting way.

We can only project or broadcast the frequency that matches how we feel about ourselves. That frequency will bring back to us potential partners who match that signal. That’s what really brings people together. Beauty isn’t what relationships are built on. Don’t believe me? How many times have you seen a couple walking down the street and said to yourself, “How on earth did that guy end up with that gorgeous girl?”

Those seemingly mismatched couples were brought together for a reason probably they can’t even explain, but it’s actually what they’re projecting. It’s their frequencies that match, even if their outside appearances don’t.

Changing Channels

This is also the reason we find ourselves suddenly attracted to someone who isn’t normally our physical type.

Confidence, charisma, ambition, compassion, sensitivity and sense of humor are intensely sexy energies—and those come from the spirit of people who love themselves. Those people light up a room just by being in it. They’re the people we all want to be around because their energy is so good!

When we love ourselves, we can be exactly who we are, our best sexy self. I can guarantee you that when you change your channels and fall in love with yourself, others will fall in love with you, too.

They have to because that’s the signal you’re sending out into the software of the universe: love! Love is about sexiness, playfulness, confidence and long-term relationships. Beauty is about short-term satisfaction and procreation.

Don’t believe me? Well, your brain does.

“Because our right and left brain are in a constant struggle with each other, it’s always best to listen to your heart in matters of love.”

A Little to the Right

It’s been proven that the brain clearly distinguishes between physical beauty/sex and love/sexiness.

Research performed at the State University of New York at Stony Brook showed that the parts of our brain linked to recognizing physical beauty and sexual attraction overlap only slightly, with completely different areas being associated with intense loving relationships.

In fact, all the parts of the brain that were involved in romantic love were on the right side, while those that were associated with facial attractiveness and beauty were on the left.

Physical attraction is a logical, ordered and mechanical function of our left brain, while real love and sexiness live in the creative, free-thinking and emotional right side. If our brains can tell that sex is momentary but sexiness is forever, why can’t we?

Because our right and left brain are in a constant struggle with each other, it’s always best to listen to your heart in matters of love.

If that sounds cliché, consider this.

The Institute of HeartMath has discovered that the electromagnetic signal that your heart emits is 5,000 times stronger than the one from your brain. Sexy characteristics are all heart-centered.

Live from your heart, not your head and your sexy rating will skyrocket!

Getting Sexy Back

To be sexy, we have to be spiritual because all the sexiest traits are heart-centered. They come from love—and that’s where spirit lives.

To get our sexy back after years of self-doubt, we have to relearn to think with our hearts and love ourselves again. That’s hard in a left-brained world. Negative thoughts can make us more than unsexy. They can make us sick.

When I found myself fighting for my life against cancer, I realized that regaining my sense of self-love was a key to my physical healing. Through a process I call Integrative Psycho-Synthesis (iPs), I learned to love myself again. When I healed emotionally, I healed physically and the love I felt for myself drew the love of my life right to me.

That’s how I know sexiness isn’t just spiritual. It’s essential to a fulfilling life.

For more health and inspirational insights from Dr. Sadeghi, please visit to sign up for the monthly newsletter, check out his annual health and well-being journal, MegaZEN, or for messages of encouragement and humor, follow him on Instagram and Twitter @drhabibsadeghi